Jodi's letter to her Doula colleagues on the eve of her birth

 

Hello to my long lost doula companions,
 
It feels like ages since I have had the blessing of a circle. thank you for our last one and all your beatiful blessings and energy. Well I chose not to come to doula training day 5 believing that I needed to stay home and concentrate on birthing our baby, and here I am 3 weeks later and still incubating my lil cancerian soulmate.
 
I just wanted to give you guys a quick update on whats been happening, perhaps I just need to reach out to the wonderful world of loving doulas. So the story goes so far that at 39 weeks I saw my midwife (Brenda) for usual antenatal check, all ok. A few nights later I had a dream where I birthed a beautiful long baby and it was an extremely gentle process and I experienced relatively no pain (mmmm......I did say it was a dream), and then my next dream went on that I was at a market and came across an old almanac (auspicious chinese calendar thing) and I approached the stall holder and asked if she could predict the date my baby would be born, she looked at me and calmly picked up a telephone and told me I needed to call this person (whom was an accupuncturist who I had planned to see for induction if I needed) as my baby needed to come out!! It was calm and I felt no need to worry. I emailed this dream sequence to Brenda who happened to call within a few minutes. She was telling me she didn't feel that I had alot of fluid in my belly and that I had quite a large baby in there with no alot of room left, she wanted me to go start some natural induction methods over the weekend and get a CTG (foetal heart monitoring and baby movement monitoring) as a precaution. As we were talking she received my email and said definately if I had been gettin messages like that we should act on it.
 
So full steam ahead, I ate a kilo of prunes (which by the way had little to no affect on my bowels), walked vigoursly, demanded Derek have sex with me all weekend (poor man!), tried meditation and relaxation techniques (thanks Anna), called on all the lovely energies of the women around, burnt candles, swirled my hips, connected with baby, ate spicy food, you name it I tried it, and well.. didn't go to my doula training (which probably would have worked the most)!
 
Oh and I got a call on Saturday morning from Brenda saying she could get me in for a CTG scan b4 midday that day but not next week so could I go? Suddenly all the fear of Hannah's birth came crashing back and I felt scared and like I had failed my baby again, with not providing enough fluid!! Not being responsilbe enough to birth at home. Scared that I would go there and they would tell me I had to stay and have an emergency induction again. Brenda listened to all my fears and reassured me that I would not have to commit to anything on the spot and that it was a womens clinic not the hospital and it was just a precaution, and if something was wrong well, I would want to do something about it. which yes I would but it just happened so suddenly and I was in this bubble of love and natural induction...
 
Derek and I headed to the clinic, the first 20 minutes I didn't feel the baby move at all really (it had been active the entire car journey there...........and was now sleeping). Due to the lack of movement the women gave me a nice glass of cold water and a biscuit and I had to be monitored a further 20 minutes, well thank god for the sugars baby kicked on and released we were. what a relief. I still had to see an Obstertrician on the Tuesday just to be sure. I felt pretty certain I was going to have a baby that weekend as I had also had accupuncture on the Friday.
 
Weekend passed and no baby, a glass of wine helped to settle my anxieties on Sunday night though, I figured it couldn't hurt at this stage in the game (and I was drinking over 2ltrs of water a day now...) Monday was a day of disaster, my cat knocked over my vase and sent water spilling all over my table and floors, I was on my hands and knees mopping it up with towels (probably not such a bad thing really). I had another appt at the accupuncturist and was meeting my sister in mornington for her to look after Hannah, well then the Kombi wouldn't start!! so I changed my appt time for an hr later and tried calling my sister to come and get me, I called for an hour and each time it went straight through to voicemail. Oh the tears that were shed (again not such a bad thing), calling Derek to come home, again calling the accupuncturist who then found my sister standing out the front!!! with all my messages only just coming through at that moment. Tracey came and picked me up and off I went to my session. That afternoon Brenda came over for another visit and I had an internal examination, to my surprise I was 2cm dilated. wow how exciting. She did say however she didn't think it would all happen for a few days. I had been having niggling feelings so I was starting to feel hopeful that I would meet our baby soon.
 
Tuesday off to see the Obstertrician feeling very confident so I went by myself, it was a lovely old school Ob man who said he felt no need for any concern wished me well and said to come back the following week if hadn't birthed to have another CTG scan but he felt I wouldn't be returning.  This was such a big weight lifted off my shoulders. The pressure was off. I did still however continue on with trying all methods of natural induction (except for herbals).
 
I'm now 10 days overdue. The last 10 days have been filled with Hannah getting sick with Scarlet Fever, then Derek getting sick and off work having mans flu...and they have only been better since yesterday. My support person Sarah (who is looking after Hannah) well she can no longer afford not to work as she has moved back to Melb, she is a nurse in ICU so once she is at work, well thats her, so she worked all last week, I think you get to the point where you just have to shrug your shoulders and let out a big sigh and release. What can you do. We have arranged for Derek's mum to be the backup support person for Hannah (I had to tell her in no uncertain terms it is definately a back seat role for her. I have a g8 relationship with her thankfully so if she is needed it should be ok).
 
I have had another 2 sessions of accupuncture with the wizard (she comes with high success rate. not for me) and have also commenced on a herbal tincture to soften and ripen my cervix and encourage uterine contractions. My last session was on Thursday. Its Saturday.
 
This process has taken me on a few different journeys ones of complete trust and faith and then corridors of fear and disconnection. I have been journaling a little and from one of my journals the penny dropped (this was about a week ago), I had been envisioning this birth as birthing a power, as me standing strong and not giving in and facing transition and pain with open arms wanting to experience it 100% full embodied power, this lil cancerian baby doesn't want that aggessive strong birth, but instead a gentle slow birth process and wants me to connect to my mothering side. From early on and before I started with the Doula training I realised the challenges of having 2 children could easily see me walking the path of my mother (which I did and do not wish for), and i realised I needed to look at ways to find peace/love and calm in the face of total definace from a 2 y.old. So thats what this baby is giving me, thats my lesson, and patience. Ah the trust. This ephiany helped me to let go, let go of the birth and what I saw of it, and let go of dates, we had been given the all clear and provided I continue to feel movement we can go 3 weeks over...hmmmm relief.
 
Oh my..... now the challenge to have that trust and feel that everyday all day. To wonder if I have actually let go, or am I still holding onto something, is this why baby won't come? and I know if I doula myself I am saying "baby is waiting till your house is ready, till your husband and daughter are better and till Sarah is not working (which is this weekend)" you'v let go, your enjoying the process, you feel beautiful, your baby is safe and it will happen.  Its hard to stay present, its hard not to think I am not connecting enough, that somehow this is me. and in amongst all that, there is this underlying pressure that I need oxytocin to kick start this process, which is exactly what I am lacking as Derek is giving me the shits. All I want to do is be at home, nesting away, watching tv, relaxing and all I feel like he is doing is judging me for not taking Hannah out, letting her watch too much tv, for not wanting to be social, not being in the mood to talk, having nothing to talk about. He hates being confined to the house (which he has been because he was sick) so he's walking around with all his own issues. Which I have not yet had the inclination to have this discussion with him as our wires seem to not be connecting. Forunately he has gone over to his parents to fix their house!!!
 
Moments of clarity bring the sunrays glistening through the trees and its all a case of Jekyl and Hyde.
 
The weather today is definately a reflection of my state of mind. So the sun was just shining and I have shed a few tears and feel grounded once again. Beauty is restored and I will put a fire on tonight, and I will give my husband a kiss and cuddle when he gets home and I will increase my levels of oxytocin and feel love.
 
thank you.
 
Anyway I just thought the rollercoaster ride of a pregnant woman could be a good read for the studying doula. much love to you all.
 
Jodi

P.S. Jodi gave birth to her beautiful baby girl, Amelia, the next day at home in water.